We all have beliefs or ‘things we hold to be true’. Some of these work for us. Some get in our way. Big time. Today, I would love to share with you one of the beliefs that I have worked on- one that occasionally rears its little head, but that a few years ago I made a non-issue in my life.

My core limiting belief, one that I have worked on and continue to work on is the belief that ‘It is not safe to be successful’. Even as I say that I feel that I am talking about an old belief, but when I come up against ‘blocks’ I can usually trace it to that little voice that wants to look after me. ‘Are you sure that it is safe to be successful and happy?’

I can quickly access a whole montage of moments in my life that may have influenced this perception. While many women of my generation grew up thinking Oprah was awesome, I was told that she was annoying. Same with a bunch of celebrities, some of whom are extremely hardworking and talented actresses and singers. I remember getting bullied as a child, which I attributed to others being ‘jealous’, or so I was told. Before I joined the National Squad, I heard that it was cesspit of corruption, aggression and general nastiness. Growing up, I never heard someone say something nice about an Australian Prime Minister. I even heard teachers, only jokingly, talk disparagingly about ‘nerds’ or kids who thrive in extra-curricula activities.

Even on a mass cultural level, I can’t help but think of Australia, which as you may know, promulgates a culture of ‘tall poppy syndrome’. This is basically when we are conditioned to want to cut down people who stand out, especially those who may be perceived as successful. We can see this syndrome displayed when we bag out our boss or look for character flaws in leaders, or when we see attractive or really competent people targeted in work and even school environments. I feel that this is beginning to shift as people seek out role models and also connect more to our humanity. Or that could just be projecting my own world view onto what is actually happening.

And now I am forced to confront my own thoughts and actions that reinforce to be that it is not safe to be successful. I hate to admit this, but I am so guilty of embodying this belief and when I catch myself out, I give myself a serious talking to. I know I am not aligning with the belief ‘It is safe to be successful’ when I am:

1.       Surprised when someone I look up to is a ‘nice person’. The implication is that I assume they will not be nice or approachable. Therefore, how can I comfortably be a role model if I think people will think I am a bitch?

2.       Commenting on something I don’t like about a person who is otherwise admirable. Sometimes I find myself speaking as though I hold community leaders to a higher standard, which is unfair. How can it be safe to be a community leader if I feel like I will be under scrutiny?

3.       Bummed out, even momentarily, when someone has something I want. Because I would never want to hurt someone, it would be soul-destroying for me to think my success would make someone else feel bad.

Can you see how thinking negative thoughts about someone who is ‘successful’ gets me totally out of alignment with having my definition of success? Because part of me does not really want it. That part of me wants to be safe. It will stop, sabotage or at least make the journey towards my goals more arduous.

Thankfully, since studying NLP and other strands of personal development, I have a whole toolbox I can draw upon to clear this belief. Like I said, it doesn’t feel real for me in the same way anymore.

It is liberating to at least identify some limiting beliefs and where they have come from. And in our rational mind, using logic, we can quickly view our past experiences in a different light. We can collect evidence that tells us something to the contrary, like for me, ‘It is safe to be successful’.

Knowing where these beliefs come from, and bravely acknowledging that we are perpetuating these through our thoughts and actions, will DISEMPOWER our limiting beliefs. It is the first, but potent phase, of a process of ditching what is holding us back and moving towards a new truth that supports our vision of ourselves.

Click to join me at the next live workshop.

If you would like to know how to apply my favourite strategies for releasing limiting beliefs you can join me at the live workshop I am running in NSW this April. You can click here to see all details. And if you would still like the tools and materials from the day, you can subscribe below this post to receive resources on how to abolish limiting beliefs so that you can live a life you absolutely adore.

So, in the spirit of sharing to empower others and foster greater connection, let’s share. What limiting beliefs can you now identify? Where did they come from? Are they still valid? And if you have gone through the process of clearing limiting beliefs, which ones do you have to revisit and clear most often?

Looking forward to reading a little bit about YOU!

Lots of love,

Becky

When talking with more self-deprecating friends, I often describe my life as one awkward encounter after another. This isn’t a fair picture of my life, but it makes me laugh to say it this way. The last few years, especially on social media & camera, has seemed to be a documentation of me being kinda average at most things I have a go at.

At the Year 7 camp in early 2016, there is a video of me trying for what seemed like an eternity to climb to the next rock in rock climbing. It didn’t even end in victory. I just kinda deflated and rolled over like a slug as I did the ‘lower of shame’, or so it appears to watch in person. Failing in front of my students that day is a time I recall proudly. Firstly because, despite us being due for a lunch break, I insisted on everyone watching me struggle for more than most would deal with. Tick for selfishness! And secondly because I helped foster a belief we try to instil- that it is ok to suck. Just have a go.

But for me, sucking in public is more than a pattern in my life. It’s actually one of the best things I can do to empower other people. And often my intentions are so lovely that to avoid the sucking would mean to do a little less good. Here are some times I have failed, sucked or made a mistake publically:

·       Singing in the street of Camden. Not brilliant but had a crack. This lead to someone from a local radio station approaching me about getting my originals on air. Overall, good experience.

·       I made the equivalent of an elaborate birthday card for someone where I used the wrong word, totally out of context and it was seen by a lot of people. D’oh!

Just one of the many awkward positions I got myself into attempting to rock-climb in front of my students!

·       Every so often I show songs I’ve written that are far from perfect or polished. I get told frequently that I am nowhere near ready to have my voice heard in public! Haha!

·       There are 2 embarrassing music videos floating around of me not knowing what the hell I’m doing. Cringeworthy, but I leave them online for a reason.

·       Last big karate competition I lost balance in front of people who look up to me. I also got my butt repeatedly kicked in sparring.

·       Literally whenever I share a blog post. Most the insights are what are top of mind. I read them later and am like, ‘Damn, I forgot this part!’ or ‘Damn, I could use some writing lessons!’ or it feels rushed.

·       Did some dancing recently where I was paired with a brilliant dude who, despite his talents in leading, just couldn’t make me look good!  

All the suckiness of this can seem compounded by the fact that most of the time I am in a mentorship role, where people may expect me to be good at anything I put my mind to. That is, afterall what I teach and am invested in- the brilliance of the mind.

And some other real reveals:

·       Most the time I do or share something publicly that isn’t perfect I feel a little sick. Especially if it means a lot to me.

·       Plenty of what I share is soul-baring. Song lyrics, projects I have worked at for months, skills I have tried to master for years. So when it’s not quite right, it has the potential to feel more personal.

·       Sometimes I have to switch off my phone so I don’t get caught up in caring about likes and comments on social media. Only because I still deeply love the reassurance that I am doing something right (even though social media should not be the measure of this).

So why public sucking? Shouldn’t I just suck on my own time?

Ok, so sometimes I am aware of the suckiness, and other times I am not prepared for how subpar a moment may turn out, but here are all the plusses!

·       It encourages other people to step away from total perfectionism at the expense of fun and self-expression. It doesn’t make perfection the pinnacle, but rather puts value on having a go and the potential that holds.

·       Most of the time, if I am sucking publically, it means that I am compelled to do it by some inner yearning or higher force that I just cannot disagree with. It either holds the key to fulfilment or lessons that I will cherish forever.

·       It does keep me accountable for improving and evolving. It’s a nice public measure that I hope serves as a contrast in the future. It also reveals the process of improving to other people by revealing those awkward in between stages. It is ok to not just be good at something.

·       It makes that glorious statement that it is ok for a person to just be themselves.

·       And most of all, if anybody, just one person can learn something or feel empowered or supported or reassured by something I share- even if it isn’t perfect, well then that is what I live for. It would be a travesty to let perfectionism get in the way of helping others.  

Now to you. There is no expectation, even after reading this, that you need to publicly suck at something or upload content that you aren’t happy with. But, if you feel that being unabashedly yourself may inspire someone else to do the same, well doesn’t that seem damn noble?! If you’ve been holding back sharing some of yourself because you, like me, are not perfect, maybe you could have a go at revealing something a little more. Something you are working on. Something sweet you thought of that you wonder if others may think is silly. Something you’ve been holding onto, when it can do far more good out in the world.

Your suckiness, it turns out, is likely not that sucky at all. It is probably something you highly value and want to get right. It’s the kind of thing that makes you YOU and taps into something unique that would make someone else go WOW!

If something came to mind just then, I would love to hear what it is. Do you plan to do something about it? I hope so, if it is right for you.

And moreover, because, even in our suckiness the world resumes, it is another beautiful lesson that it is SAFE to be free and honest and open.

In fellow love and sweet suckiness,

Bec

Xx

And other excuses that you can excuse for good.

When I feel something, I assume that there are other people who feel the same. That’s one reason I try to talk about stuff that is real to me, and share insights as they come, hoping that they will help illuminate something for you too.

Most people I am close to describe me using words like angel, godsend, sweetheart, etc. And I definitely love helping people, being kind, empathetic and ever-patient. It is more than part of my persona, but the whole motivation for everything I do. On the flipside, I know that sometimes being everything to everyone can mean that I either spread myself too thin, fall completely out of touch with people I care about, and ultimately neglect what I really want to do. Even though I have had those close to me tell me they often assume I am ‘too busy’. I hate that I give that impression. Yet, I do know, without a doubt that putting others first (read into that how you will- in thoughts, in actions, at the expense of myself) is ultimately no good for me, and no good for them.

This topic has been in my heart a little while because I have to constantly talk to myself to make sure I am doing right by me. The worst thing is that even when I know without a doubt that I need to look after myself, when it comes to catering to the interests of others, I still need to listen to (and talk to!) the excuses that pop into my brain. If you are a bit of a go-getter or have worked on your self-esteem, you may relate to my number one worst culprit of an excuse!

Excuse Number One: I am awesome and can handle anything!

Yep. My inner cheerleader actually turns positive affirmations into excuses for me straining myself to the point of self-neglect or excessive stress. Over the years, I have developed the understanding that I, like everyone, am capable of whatever I put my mind and effort into. I also have accumulated lots of evidence that suggests I can do a lot, manage high intensity periods of time, and still feel fulfilled and happy at the end of the day. What’s something else for someone else?

I don’t just want to handle anything. I would like to be more discriminate than that. So when I am putting someone else’s needs first with the excuse ‘I can handle anything’, I can quickly ask the question ‘Is it best for me to handle this?’

I can’t tell you enough how much this question also destroys many of the other excuses you’ll read about below. It’s also a question with a double meaning, depending on how you read the connotation. Is it ‘best for me’ can mean, ‘Is it good for ME’ or it can be read as ‘Am I the best person to do this?’ Often if there is something you are doing for someone else, it is probably more meaningful for that person to do it themselves, or to find someone who will love every second of it. This could apply to anything, from handling your aunty's social media presence, to cleaning up after a spouse, to meeting a ridiculous deadline at work at the expense of eating well.

If you tell yourself that you are amazing and can therefore can do more for others rather than yourself, then perhaps you could use this little reframe of a question. Please, please let me know in the comments if you are making this excuse, because I’ve never told a soul about this one and have no idea if I am out on a limb here!

Excuse Number Two: It is more important to them than it is to me. (The evil spawn of excuse number one).

It is more important to my husband that I eat the delicious chocolate sundae he made for me than it is for me to say no in this moment and stick to my no-dairy diet. I’m not saying this has happened, but I’m not saying something like this has not happened.

If you are a ‘nice’ girl or guy, you might too find yourself relenting to the will of others, perhaps in the nice-guy/girl justification that if this makes someone happy, and you can live with it, then it is right to put their needs first. You certainly can do things to make others feel good and happy- that is a beautiful thing. This is more for those who use this excuse to mask feeling temporarily underwhelmed, bad, strained, stressed, etc. In the case of the husband making the wife a dairy-rich delight, the wife is eating it only to make him feel good. She will deal with the bit of guilt in that moment, which in the scheme of things may not seem like much, but it is one more promise she didn’t keep for herself because she put someone’s need to feel acknowledged ahead of her own intention.

I daresay that parents may feel this with children. I only can imagine this because of my furbaby and how easy it is for me to say, ‘He needs a walk now’, ‘my stuff can wait because he is too excited’. If you feel responsible for someone else, I know that this is less simple, so the suggestion I would give is that if you feel like you are neglecting what you need, something needs to change. Maybe it is simple after all?

The only way to counter this is hardcore assertiveness in how you talk to yourself and to other people.

I need to do this for me, before I can even think about bending over backwards for someone else.

My needs are always important.

If things continue this way, I wouldn’t feel good. I need to do what is right for me!

Excuse Number Three: This Will Make Me a Bad Person (and therefore less likeable & valuable in this world)

Or less of a good person. After all, isn’t it my mission to help people? If I was ever going to define a ‘bad person’, it would be; bad person (phrase): someone who deliberately relishes in hurting other people. If that isn’t you, then you can drop that excuse. You wouldn’t tell your best friend that he/she is a bad person for putting their needs first.

If you ever consider your value to others, just stay cognisant of the fact there is nothing wrong with catering to the needs of others, being kind, doing favours and giving- as long as you are not neglecting yourself in the process!

If you love helping others, just use this simple question to get you thinking about you! What am I doing for ME today?

Excuse Number Four: But I Love Giving!

'Give to yourself more, girlfriend', says me to me. You know that you are making the most positive impact when you are all taken care of.

Excuse Number Five: But When I Put Others First, Everything Turns Out Amazing for Them (or the evil twin of excuse number one)

Ego needs a smackdown here. If you didn’t get involved in putting that person first, someone else would do what needs to be done- probably better. It also isn’t as sweet as you think, because that person is going to attribute good things to you and not him or herself. I need this one as a reminder when I stay up late checking student drafts. If I back off, (and get the precious sleep I need), they will better learn to cope alone, or hire a tutor!

Excuse Number Six: Who Am I to Ask for More? Who Am I to Put Myself Over Others?

You will never know ‘who you are’ unless you give yourself a chance to grow by nurturing yourself and deeming the times you choose YOU as sacred and utterly necessary. Ask for more.

The Truth of the Matter

It doesn’t always matter what you tell yourself when you put others’ needs over your own. The actions you take will be reinforce in your subconscious mind, so even if you say ‘I’m awesome and can handle this!’ your mind hears one message loud and clear- ‘I don’t put my needs first’ or even worse ‘My needs are not important’.

Go ahead and let me know if any of this resonates with you and what you intend to do about it. You can leave a comment or get in touch if you are on my email list. I hope you get the message that even if you are kind and caring person, you need to literally look after yourself FIRST, before you attend to others. Just like at the scene of an accident you need to check your safety first. Same thing.

So which excuse comes up the most for you if you really think about it? Any that aren’t here? Would love to know.

Lots of love and letting you know that you are number one to you!

Want more of a picture as to how it may look to put yourself first? Click here!

Becky

xx

PS. In case I didn't make it clear, you can be abundantly kind and generous and humble and loving to others as often as your dear heart desires. Just show yourself that love first. It's magic.

The fastest way to create a new habit or practice is to do it again and again. Painfully simple, right?

The trouble is that occasionally some pesky things get in our way, and we take unnecessary detours, revert back to unwanted behaviours and don’t do what we say we are going to do with ease.

IF you want to get the ball rolling and lock in a new habit or practice, you may need a little prep. I like doing this because to me it is fun. I love writing, visualising, planning and strategising. So if you are in any way the same, you may get a kick out of this too.

Think about habit or practice you would like to have. Make sure it is something you really want to do and feeds into you feeling how you want to feel, being who you need to be, and perhaps ultimately achieving something tangible you have your heart set on.

It may be something like going to the gym every morning. So we will use that as an example. It is also something I have adopted, so I can give you some firsthand insights about the process. It might help you to know that I am not a supermotivated person- at least not in the way I imagine a motivated gym-goer to look. I have to fine tune everything around the process, or else I won’t go. I could get an instant burst of motivation by telling myself that if I don’t keep up this practice I will get so unhealthy and out of shape that I die, but honestly, harsh talk like that kills my morning juju. And it doesn’t always counter the reality that is staring me in the face that day.

Ok, so… gym.

The first thing I do is get clear on why I want to go there. I need to get strong, just for myself. I need to get fit for karate. And I want to keep it tight for my husband. Haha! It’s also the principle of being able to stick with something and do it all alone, although I research personal trainers for hours before beginning this routine.

So now I want to go, I need to imagine it in the context of my morning and do a FULL RUN THROUGH in my head to see how this works. For me, I need to start right at the beginning, when I first wake up. Now if I watch what happens in fast motion, I see me getting up, having breakfast (which I choose not to skip because I am fungry in the morning!), writing a little something in my journal, getting dressed and driving off to the gym.

But, let me tell you, some seriously distracting shit happens along the way. If I slow it right down, almost like a real walk through, this is what really goes on.

I wake up gentle, as always, and contemplate for too long about whether I had enough sleep and whether hitting the gym is truly better than just getting back to sleep. I would normally do some visualisation and breathing here, but it is sullied by the process of resisting bouncing out of bed.

I hear my dog scratching at the door, so get up (either gratefully for the excuse or in a huff cos he won’t let up).

I pee and then walk downstairs to make breakfast. I feed Olly first to get him out of the way. He’ll scratch for more food soon. If something’s cooking I may go upstairs to get dressed in my gym clothes. I throw a handful of dog biscuits outside for him to chase and I shut the door and go back upstairs to eat.

Worried that I will not be able to do the gym and work, I probably eat too fast as I’m writing my gratitude list, describing what would make today amazing and setting an intention. I will leave my tea half finished. Olly scratches at the door again, so I let him back in. He wants to play. He sees me putting my gym shoes on and assumes we are going for a walk, which is heartbreaking. I might pop his harness on and take him for a quick walk around the block.

It’s getting late enough that the thought that it may not be worth going pops into my head. I think about how I could kick start the day with just a bit more… something else.

At this point in the morning, I can’t guarantee anything.

Can you see how messy that is? Especially because I planned none of it. Now, as I do the walk through in my head, I have pen and paper handy and I start taking some kickass notes about what to set up so that the morning flows- even with the dog scratching. There is a side column for stuff I need to set up the night before to ensure I’m not fumbling around.

I’M PRESSING PAUSE FOR A SEC. You could go to the gym every morning, easy peasy, just by doing it and making it a priority. What we are looking at is fine-tuning the stuff around it!

So as you are coming up with your new practice, know exactly what needs to happen before it for it to occur and occur as smoothly as you wish. I now have a really clear physical and mental walkthrough of my mornings that I believe perfectly sets me up for the day. I do need to get up earlier and go to bed earlier, which is exactly what I prefer.

Here as some random notes that came up:

I need a candle snuffer and Windex handy near my office desk.

All my gym clothes need to be in the spare room- with underwear, etc.

The best time to fill up my water bottle is when I make breakfast (not just before the gym)

If I follow what needs to be done, I will only go down the stairs twice. This is problematic because the stairs keep me fit. Lucky I’m going to the gym regularly now!

It was also interesting how my night routine became exactly what I needed to support this one addition to my life.

In order to get this all in place, you need to be able to see yourself doing it and it working. Visualise and you will see where habits need tweaking.

Also, when you run it through in real time as you intend for it to occur, you’ll notice the clunky parts. Make a note of how to eliminate these or smooth them over. Try again the next time you have the opportunity to apply this. Does it work now? Keep refining, visualising it the day before so that eventually it becomes programmed as a routine. Even if you have to consciously think about what is next, it is better than just running around, hoping you get everything just right.

Some succinct steps for creating a new routine/habit:

1.       See what you want

2.       Know what has to come before (and during)

3.       Visualise going through the process until you see it in a way that works for you. Take notes on what you need to refine to make it work.

4.       Give it a real life walk through. You can also visualise again with different circumstances, e.g. going to the gym in summer versus winter, or what would happen if you have an early morning meeting.

5.       Start doing it exactly as you see it.

6.       Keep doing, keep refining.

So can you now think of something you would like to smoothly integrate into your life? Are there blocks of time where you would like to flow easily from one activity to another? Try it with your morning routine. I love this for people who, like me, seem to live in (and be somehow comfortable with) chaos, even though it is probably slowly sucking the life force from us! Haha! Never more.

If you are in NSW, Australia, I am running a series of workshops to help you implement this technique, with a few more advanced strategies for removing unwanted behaviours and installing new ones.

Click here for info on the workshop, including location and pricing.

I believe that everyday can be the start of something special. If you are just looking for the dedicated space to you, I know that this workshop will be the kickstart you need.

Would love you to share what you plan to implement in your life and candidly address how you may smooth over any obstacles or ‘clunks’.

All the best in this endeavour.

We are forever refining.

xx

Most people can’t believe that I ‘let’ my husband photograph beautiful women without their clothes on. The ‘me’ from 10 years ago would never have believed this either. I remember one day finding a picture of a hot little lady on my boyfriend’s computer and freaking out completely. I instantly felt not good enough. I cried. I’m pretty sure I girl-slapped his arms. I got fixated on all his female friends and obsessed with the idea he was only with me because he couldn’t be with them. I felt lonely all the time, like we were on different planets. I wrote songs about breaking up, and we did, once. I was doing everything wrong. I knew so little about relationships and was living out the same old patterns that saw me break up with my first boyfriend who I had convinced myself was ‘the love of my life’. 10 years later, my husband and I are happier than ever- as individuals and together.

Although we still have more work to do, I really wanted to share some advice that changed the way I saw and experienced my relationship. Try some of these out and you will instantly feel more fulfilled and empowered. These can work in non-romantic relationships too, so please feel free to try these out with a close friend, your child, mother, boss, colleague or anyone really who is a big part of your life. Let me know how these go for you in the comments section, and of course share any of your own beautiful insights and advice. In no particular order...

1. Listen for and Respond to their Values

Aim to notice, acknowledge, act and speak in accordance with what your partner values. Work out what is important to them. Most of the time you can just guess based on what they talk about. For example, if your partner’s favourite topic of conversation is new scientific breakthroughs, you could guess they value science, learning, sharing knowledge or being seen as knowledgeable. If you know this then you can feed that back to them when appropriate. It also makes sense that if you want to gush about feelings or topics your partner is not comfortable with, he or she may either really enjoy the learning, or feel completely uncomfortable not being seen as in-the-know. When you keep your partner’s values in mind, a lot makes sense, and any critical judgment or frustrations quickly melt away.

More important than knowing general values is understanding your partner’s relationship values. A few years back I asked my man, Dan, about what he values in our relationship. We both did our top 5s. As I recall, acceptance, as a value, was right at the top of our lists. Easy peasy. As long as we accept each other, we are aligned with our highest value. Now, I was actually stunned that Dan had that conversation with me. I am gung ho into personal development, but it’s not really his thing in the way I define it (although, damn that boy develops himself!). So I felt privileged to be able to get these straight answers. Again, if your partner would not be into this talk, you can just guess. Communication was on my list, love was on both of ours, loyalty on neither… It was a really interesting exercise. Other values you may consider are sex, time together, openness, mutual growth and fun. You may be wondering whether different values mean conflicting values, but in my experience (my own and working with others), different values are not usually a problem. If they are, values can be shifted and reordered. But simply staying mindful of another’s values really helps me understand behaviour, communicate about the relationship and adjust my actions so my partner feels more fulfilled.

If you just had a brainwave and realised your own or your partner’s values, you can share them in the comments below or just write them down for yourself.

2. Don’t Rely on Your Relationship for Happiness

Relationships make us happy, but don’t make them your only source of joy. It may sound corny, but it’s the holy grail of truths (or up there!) that the happier you are with yourself, the better you feel about other people. The better you can treat people. The less you make one relationship the be-all and end-all. You can bring a real positive energy to the relationship and you will have more clarity about what is going on. It also means that if something feels deeply wrong, you can get out because of your increasing self-value and respect.

Yep. This is but a tame image my hubby shoots. You can imagine that this may make a few girls insecure, but because I've worked on being my best self, this only makes me love my man more. Check out more of his work here if you're interested.

Like many aspects of our lives, it is easy to see in retrospect how everything fits together. You can see when you are happy exactly what led to that. For me, getting involved in music, seeking and achieving some tangible goals in karate and loving my work meant that I was more fulfilled and that I could easily let go of what might normally having me stewing over my life, including aspects of my relationship. The compound effect of this was that my husband became a kick-arse photographer and the more he felt his value in this arena, the better we could feel about each other. I’m certain of this. We both say and mean that we love each other more than ever. At the same time, I’m pretty sure that I could be just fine without him, but I don’t want to be!

3. Know Your Partner’s Love Language

Now, you may have heard about love languages, so I am gonna explain this with a personal slant. There are different ways to communicate to a person that you love them. And each person has a preference for one or more of these ‘love languages’. Broadly, some people like to be ‘shown’ that they are loved or ‘told’. More specifically, some people like be shown through touch, or gifts, or through time spent together. Even more specifically, we may need to be touched in certain ways to feel especially fulfilled in love. I am particularly into kissing, public and over-the-top displays of affection (like doting Facebook posts) and handwritten notes. I’m also pretty sure that I feel loved when people feed me, only because that is my go-to strategy to show people I love them. You see, the way we want people to show us we love them is usually how we try to show them we love them. The trouble is, they don’t always have the same love strategy. If we feel loved when someone buys us something, chances are we will buy gifts for our love ones assuming that will make them feel loved. What if all they really need is a good conversation with you? What if they really need to have you sitting with them for a couple of hours? The gift may not make them feel loved in the way you would imagine.

If you are feeling unloved in your relationship, try asking your partner how they know that you love them. Here is a paraphrased conversation with my husband that I used to guess his preference.

Me: How do you know that I love you? Like I obviously love you, but how can you tell?

Dan: (says something explicit)

Me: Is that your final answer?

Dan: It’s the affection you show me and the little smiles and hugs and just everything put together that adds up.

So even without mentioning the Love Languages, I can tell that physical touch and signs are more important than the verbal when it comes to my hubby. I could say ‘I love you’ til the cows come home, but it would have the same impact for him as would morning snuggles.

4. Say What You Want

Pretty obvious. Steal some of these starting points if it makes life easier.

• ‘There’s something important to me that I really want to talk about.’

• ‘I know you love me- and there is also another way I would like you to show me.’

• ‘There’s something that makes me feel bad that you probably don’t realise cos I haven’t said anything.’

It doesn’t help to stew on what’s not working or feed all your attention into accommodating your partner without saying what you want. Speak up.

5. Only Judge Your Relationship by Your Relationship

If you look outside your relationship to work out whether you have a good thing going, in my opinion, you are doing it wrong. All sorts of relationships can be healthy, fulfilling and just what we need. Arranged marriages, huge age disparities, high school sweethearts- all valid. Dan and I have pretty much opposite dispositions and approaches to aspects of life, and honestly, this challenges me in a way that makes me GROW. Because growth is so important to me, I see this as a blessing. Dan has taught me patience, to slow down, the value of hard work and the value of down time. Just by being himself. We don’t chat about philosophy or literature, but that’s what I have friends for! Our wedding was the only time we have danced together and I bloody love dancing. Again, I can find people to dance with- no prob. Some couples happily do everything together, and if I thought this was how it is meant to be, I would feel seriously disappointed. But judging by our own relationship, I know I have a good thing going.

6. Know What On-Track Looks Like for You

For me, I feel like my husband and I are on-track when we are resolving issues quickly (we seriously never fight, except I get a bit sooky when I’m hormonal) and when we are happy to see each other and spend time together. I also define my relationship as awesome because I feel FREE- never trapped or over-dependent. You may know you and your partner are on track because you more readily compromise or because the sex is better or because you are talking more. Remember to ask for more of what you want if you are not getting it, and ask in the way your partner needs to hear it.

7. Work it!

When you get two human beings together- two of the most complex creatures, it may not all be effortless. You can have effortless encounters in your life, multiple people who feel like soulmates and past lovers who seemed to fall out of the heavens. But relationships take work. Nurturing. Don’t resist this fact. And, as I choose to believe, work is beautiful.

BONUS BECKY TIPS!

This is our family cuddle time. What little rituals do you have?

• Get cute little rituals going that create intimacy or perpetuate a feeling of love. We do something with our dog called ‘family cuddle time’ where we all get on the bed and cuddle our dog Olly and each other. It’s immediately uplifting and it’s the kind of thing where we just accept it will be done.

• When the grass seems greener somewhere else, remind yourself why you choose your partner. What is it that they offer you? What do you love about them? Why do you choose him/her everyday? Stay conscious of this to combat any natural doubts that you may have.

Other little sentiments. What do you think of these?

• Again, choose your partner every day!

• Don’t stay in a soul-destroying relationship. If someone doesn’t let you shine, get the hell out!

• Choose commitment over loyalty.

• Remember that there is more to you than your relationship.

• One person working on a relationship is better than none!

• A change in perspective may be all your relationship needs.

• Don’t even try to own a person! That is just silly. Even if there is a ring on your finger, nobody owns you.

And in the overwhelming spirit of what we do here, trust that when you work on yourself and take responsibility for your life, things absolutely get better. There are plenty of other relationship gems of advice that may be perfect for you, so if there is anything you wish to ask- something specific to your unique situation, get in touch with me. Simply subscribing and replying to any of my emails will get a conversation going.

Do comment with anything that worked for you or any further queries, tips and stories that could help our readers. Relationships are super complex, so speaking openly about them can be really empowering.

Happy lovin’.

Becky x 

I was afraid of my own house.

Every morning I would flee out the door as soon as I possibly could. Not because of the allure of the outdoors, or pressing matters to attend to, but because I actually could not stand being home.

There was nowhere to sit. Nowhere to peacefully eat. Nowhere to write.

Or so I thought.

Now, of course there were plump cushions on available leather seats on which I could rest my tush. At least four tables or desks to plonk my laptop and type away. And pretty things everywhere to inspire me. But there was no room for me.

I had too much stuff. Too much mess. Too much clutter, even in my head. I still do, but this post is really about a journey, not an accomplishment. But oh, how good things are feeling already!

Here is an ancient relic I found in a box in a cupboard in the office. I wanted to keep this so badly, out of curiosity and nostalgia, that I tried charging it in my car. It made no sense to keep it, but thinking about the memories of my first love and life back with my parents, it took a lot of resolve to throw this one in the bin.

When you live with another person, the home becomes filled with their stuff as well as your own. In my house, though, I am the main culprit- at least it is more productive for me to think this way!

When I started this process of decluttering the thought of it felt better than actually doing it. For one, it is kinda daunting. I can be super motivated, so I like to do everything well and preferably at once, but such a feat is not attainable in the case of cleaning and decluttering my home.

And it was painful. The stuff I have had to look at, process, and decide whether they bring me joy or good use hold too many limiting emotions. Rather I had too many limiting emotions, but stuff can bring up your stuff.

I just want to acknowledge a few things that felt a little painful, even when I tried to be stone cold about them.

Going through the nitty gritty in the office. This was the most guilt-inducing, cos this is where all my old projects reside. Time to move on.

Just some of the contents on the top shelf of the guest and 'music' room! This can't be good for the acoustics!

•   I have run several workshops I have some handwritten testimonials and excess resources that I had kept. It was a promise that I might use some of the stuff again, but also a reminder that 2016 was the first year I had not run a group workshop of any kind. I know that I always completely remake my resources anyway, so I threw most of it out, but not before that slight twinge of regret for not doing more. Lesson: My mind is my greatest resource.
•  I have costumes, cables and instruments from old bands and music projects that didn’t work out at all. I know that where I am musically is where I need to be, but there is still an attachment to other collaborations, especially ones that cost a lot of money. Giving away my tutu from the Something Blue clip was a little sad (even though I feel way beyond this!). Lesson: There is always something even better waiting for me.
• Getting rid of clothes is difficult for me, because most stuff I don’t wear, I don’t wear because I don’t go out to enough events that warrant dressing up. So giving away some of my dresses represented my severe lack of a glamorous social life! I also have a lot of clothes my family love and think are adorable on me, so giving these away made me feel sad for my mum, even though she doesn’t know about it! Lesson: Don’t idealise a lifestyle that doesn’t necessarily align with where or who I am right now.
• I felt like a thief because in the midst of decluttering, I found stuff that I had borrowed but never returned. Things I had lost for years. And things I ignored for years. Like books I have been leant and clothing I had borrowed to keep me warm. Lesson: Don’t make promises I don’t intend to keep. Say no more often.
•  I gave away and threw out gifts that may or may not have been chosen especially for me and with love. I know that there is love between me and that giving person, whether or not I keep all their presents, but this gave me a surge of guilt. Lesson: Be a better friend.
•  I have so many journals, scrap bits of paper and lists filled with brilliant ideas that either I have never done OR seem so outdated that I am embarrassed to read them. Some of these drafts I send out publicly so they made me cringe. Lesson: I am always growing.

 The amount of money I have spent on stuff absolutely blows my mind. From top of the line skin and hair products, to clothes, ornaments, contraptions- it’s just endless. There is nothing really wrong with this, but I am going to adjust my buying strategy. And since decluttering, I have found I have got way more use out of what I do have.

Above all, most of what I found made me think I have to get my shit together. And it was really inspiring to see how stuff can completely dominate our lifestyle. Discovering things I have never seen nor cared about felt like discovering dark secrets, and when they didn’t feel good they were like black spots on the soul of my house. A touch of melodrama.

So in the process of decluttering there has been some immense joy!

1.       Seeing people excited to receive the clothes and jewellery I don’t wear.

2.       A cleaner house and fresher air.

3.       Mental and physical space has seemed to open up and I am far more in sync with what I am meant to be doing.

4.       A real sense of possibility.

I’m excited for what is next now that I am committed to decluttering over the next year. That’s right, taking the pressure off by giving myself a year to get it all done. It is work, but it is energising every step of the way.

The Advice

Here are some tips for going through your own house.

First of all you would want to read or learn about the Konmari method, which is really useful and has the most practical and holistic advice on the process. Then you can apply the following to make the decluttering even more cathartic. This worked for me, but I would say it is a little more confronting than the Konmari method- rather it faces difficult aspects head on. You can just as easily have a single affirmation like ‘I don’t need stuff to make me happy’ and cull away. But this is some advice based on how I approached it.

Really focus on each item by looking at it, picking it up and for the more sentimental stuff, sitting with it for a tad. That way you can gauge how you feel about it. If you somehow feel bad, ask why. If there is an opportunity to be grateful for the item or the moment it represents, go ahead and do that. Immediately seek a lesson from it, or a positive affirmation so that you can keep the learnings and move on from something you may or may not need. Usually if something makes you feel bad, it’s not worth holding onto. Occasionally it may reinvigorate you to use and enjoy the item if you feel bad for not using it, but want to make it a core part of your life from now on. Your past behaviour is typically a good indicator of the future, however, after mindfully going through this process, you could be a whole different person!

And if you live with someone who also has a lot of stuff, I can say now from experience that seeing the space open up just from passing on your stuff makes a huge difference. It also does inspire the other person to be more realistic about what they are holding onto. In the space of a couple of days, I saw my hubby go from caring about a CD rack to being totally ready to give it away. I asked him about keeping model cars about 3 years ago and his response was ‘They’re mine’. But now he wants to give them away. Trust that you taking care of things from your end will make a big difference.

“When we clear the physical clutter from our lives, we literally make way for inspiration and ‘good, orderly direction’ to enter. ”

— Julia Cameron

Some final thoughts.

I started this because I wanted my home to be a sanctuary, not a place I dread being in! I also did it based on the principle of letting stuff go so that more goodness can come in. I have a tendency to feel full to the point of overwhelm so this is a nice mental trick that encourages me to be and do more- not ‘have’ more.

I am in a fairly conservative Phase One of all of this. It has been time consuming and I have the luxury of a break from work where I can do this without too many pressing or urgent tasks arising. It will truly take about a year to do this well.

Your turn.

If you would like to join me on this Phase One and be rid of stuff that no longer makes you feel good or (almost literally) skeletons in the closet, please leave a comment about what you will be decluttering. Share any insights and feelings that arise along the way.

Oh, and I’m also interested to know about weird things you find!

Let's create more space to LIVE!

Love Becky

xxx

I never really thought about death as a child. All I knew is that I wanted to make a positive impact on the world. I used to articulate it this way, when I was only 9;

‘I’m either gonna be famous, or have kids. Either way, I am leaving my mark on the world.’

I can’t decide if this is silly or not.  

Today I did the Coogee to Bondi coastal walk. Amid the trek, the path winds between the graves of those buried at Waverly Cemetery. I didn’t know at the time, but the tombs of writers, Henry Lawson and Dorothy Mackellar, were among the burial ground. I was mostly fixated on the grandeur of the memorials and headstones. Every so often, my friend and I would stop to read about who had died. One boy had died at 9 and so, it seemed, had his sister, both perhaps before their parents. One family had a vault for all their bodies, something arranged and decided upon long ago. It probably cost a lot of money. Between the angel statues and marble carvings, I honestly wondered for a fleeting moment, whether the ostentatiousness of the memorials gave the lives more significance. I, after all, was stopping to acknowledge the death of strangers. Is there immortality in that?

My friend reminded me that the large tributes are for the living, not the dead. That it gives us a sense of a life being truly recognised- to make grieving families feel better, but it does nothing for the deceased. Again, the fleeting, but painfully narcissistic question made itself known. Could we (read ‘I’) literally just buy a huge memorial that forces people to take a moment to remember a life? Does it give a person greater importance? Is it making a mark?

I’ve been having an existential crisis for about a year now. I think about life and death all the time, but not always in productive ways. As always, my circular thoughts pause at the idea that ‘The meaning of life is to give life meaning’. But, as someone uncertain about the afterlife, (although hoping that someday I literally have a burst of positive juju that clings to the nearest living human when I am gone) I have come to attach all my worth on the significance I have. This is why I strive to make a positive impact. Plus, it feels good to create good, and it basically seems like who I am.  

So back to the cemetery. I worked out pretty quickly that human life is not valued by the size of a headstone. All human life is beautiful, valuable and a gift in one way or another. Even when people do not ‘do good’, life is still precious.

Again, absent of any strong convictions about the afterlife, I resolve to ‘give life meaning’ (there’s that thought again!) in three clear ways. I don’t know if I will do all of these, but I know that even trying will spread a tiny bit of love that will get passed on and on so that the little threads of love stretch across the world. And that is enough.

1.       I want to help people enjoy their life, their gifts and their uniqueness by teaching them how to talk to themselves. When people feel fulfilled, they are kinder. I truly believe that. And with more love and kindness, the world can heal.

2.       I would like to have a kid or two someday. Another avenue to pass down pure love plus all the other reasons people normally want children.

3.       I would like to write a song that really connects with people that can give them strength or hope in their lifetime. Something good enough to be covered by lots of people. There, I said it.

And honestly, I feel like I have already had an amazing experience of life. To some degree I am doing what feels like my purpose which is to soulfully empower and heal others. And I am always looking to have even more of a positive impact until I am at complete peace with the crazy, amazing thing called life.

I would, right now, more than anything, love for you to share the legacy you would like to leave. What will your name represent? What will you set in motion that could stand the test of time? What would you leave behind if you were to leave now? This may feel uncomfortable, but it will sure help you fast track to what you are meant to be doing!

Please share with me your insights in the comments or get in touch if you need extra support through this process.

You are pure love.

Xxx

Becky

I wish I was impervious to stress. It is a biological response, usually stemming from the need to adapt to pressure situations. Our body reacts accordingly, releasing hormones and setting off a chain of responses within us.

But often stress can turn into anxiety, overwhelm and sickness, clouding our thinking and impacting our sense of well-being, even when we are generally happy.

I want to dedicate some space to coping with stress because I know it affects most people. I have collated over ten ways we can use actions and ways of thinking to reduce the impact of stress on our lives.

Even the highest stress periods of your life do not have to be disasters.

The next series of posts will be about managing stress. Hopefully, even if you are feeling well-balanced lately it can still help you enjoy your life even more.

Dealing with Stress Part 1

To borrow from the Apple slogan… Think different.

This is genius. So much of what we accept in our day to day lives does not have to be this way. There are systems in every job and in your home life that are not working for you that you are accepting as the norm. What’s more, you may be accepting the stress of a situation as being normal. You probably brace yourself and hope you don’t implode. When the voice in my head is in freefall and my ‘highest self’ is lost I have said things like ‘I am dreading today’ and when asked how I’m feeling, I’ve jokingly responded with ‘suicidal’. This is not the person I need to be, especially when dealing with young people on a daily basis.

Unfortunately, when under stress, I want to claim I work with unreasonable deadlines, ebb towards doing things when only they have to be done, make excuses, suffer in silence and generally notice and talk about the negative.

This is why I have developed better systems that work for me, even within the framework of my vocation expectations. Read the section below if you are interested in how I cheated my way out of the most stressful period of a teacher’s year.

Report time seems to be worse than the bane of existence to most teachers. It results in a lack of sleep, irritability and unnecessary resentment. Teachers can sometimes do a less than ideal job as we are under the pump. For me, report writing is my pride and joy. Other teachers look at my reports for ideas and as a sample of how to write more personalised and helpful feedback for students. Here is how I can hold my head high during this time period:

·       Instead of waiting for the reporting period to begin, I start early. Like a whole term early! If I pay attention, I can learn plenty about students in the first few weeks of a semester and begin putting comments together on a Word document. I can always add a sentence or two once I have extra data. Then, the process is about getting to know my students rather than just churning out drivel.

·       I prophesise instead of report. Especially for the second semester, I consider what the student cannot do and what I am committed to teaching them. Then, when I write their report, stating the improvements they have made, I am pledging to myself that I will help them in this area. Of course I can make adjustments if necessary, but the point is, I have a solid basis from which to begin.

·       I have the mindset that I love writing reports. It is a chance to show I care and to communicate meaningfully with parents.

Some strategy and a positive outlook goes a long way. I am still looking at ways to make assessment periods more manageable (less stress for me and more autonomy from students is the goal!), which involves shifting the culture I work within, but I know that with a bit of planning this will change too.

My question to you… (reply to this if you like!)

What in-built systems can you flip through your own approach and mindset? What can you execute with pride or learn to love if you take the pressure off?

Could you:

·       Do the bulk of your work at the most productive part of the day for you?

·       Begin early, reuse, recycle, delegate, outsource, etc?

·       Do the same job in batches (like responding to emails)?

·       Set up a template or automate?

·       Make your area of expertise?

·       Do while you’re having a bath or listen to while you’re at the gym?

Let me know any brainwaves you have that could dramatically decrease stress and create a more fun approach to something tedious or unavoidable. You can work towards loving and enjoying most parts of your work. It involves some real creative thinking and flipping a lot of what you know on its head.

Do the work.

Dealing with Stress Part Two: 

Know Your Baseline Health and Happiness Go-Tos… And actually go to them!

When most people are feeling stressed and overwhelmed, they let even little important things dwindle. Like hydration, healthy eating, relaxation and those interests that work wonders on our sense of wellbeing. Even talking to other people becomes less important.

Think about the last time you felt a bit off. Were you eating properly, drinking water and uncompromising about bedtime?

Look after yourself! Zero room for negotiation here.

Give your mind, body and spirit some massive love. The more stressed you feel, the more you need to slow down and take care of you.

Even if you think there are more important things to deal with.

Even if you are on a deadline.

Even if you feel pressure from yourself or others.

Always, always treat yourself well.

I have had some seriously messed up days, where stress, anxiety, tears and an impending sense of doom hit me at once. I have even woken up with this feeling. But if I go to one karate class, suddenly I break out of the pattern and can get more done, with less worry. It does not feel entirely natural to do something so good for yourself when you are going 100 miles an hour or feeling depressed or overwhelmed. It can be easy to get stuck in patterns of thinking and behaving.

But change is still super easy and I believe you can act your way into feeling better.

This week (and forever), please be disciplined when it comes to looking after yourself. Don’t neglect fun and leisure and tune in to what your body needs to stay healthy.

What do you need to do to show yourself that no matter what, you value and respect yourself?

Click here to see the list I use to remind myself of what looking after myself actually involves. It is a Word Doc, so you can add to this, edit, replace, tweak and print. No matter what, do what you need to do! These are basics for me- I don’t even have meditation per se on the list, or sex for that matter because they are not the baselines that keep me in check. Have a play with this and feel free to send it my way. I am curious about what you need.

How is this working out for you? Do you notice that during times of stress the simplest healthy practices start to dwindle? What little things make the biggest difference to your sense of wellbeing? 

Share your insights in the comments below and share with anyone who could show themselves a little more love during tough times.

Your mission is to take care of you!!!

All my love,

Becky

When I was in Kindergarten, I watched the fairy tale, The Ugly Duckling. I sat with 60 other kids on the floor of the classroom, and was completely moved by the story. I didn’t relate to the ugly duckling- not really. At that age, I had always stood out for reasons I perceived to be positive- like having little curls or writing stories.

Before the movie had ended, me and a boy in my class were absolutely bawling our eyes out crying. There were two teachers in the room. One, my incredibly sweet teacher, and another- the teacher we were all afraid of! My teacher, Miss Owen, gave the boy a hug and some tissues and reassurance, just through her caring presence. The other teacher told me to stop crying and wash my face. It was the first time a teacher spoke to me like they were angry at me.

That was the first experience I recall when it was obvious I felt things with a certain intensity that others didn’t. It was also the first time I saw two approaches to sensitive people. One is to be dismissive- that ‘harden up’ mentality. The other is to allow it to be, to nurture it and validate it. We were only in Kindergarten, so this fantasy probably seems impossible to my Primary teacher friends, but wouldn’t it be lovely to stop the film and ask, ‘Why does this make some people feel so bad, seeing the Ugly Duckling being left out?’. What an important conversation that could start. If any such discussion took place, I was probably so hurt and angry at being ‘yelled at’ that I wouldn’t have processed it. That can happen when you’re sensitive.

These days people use the word ‘empath’ as a bit of a sexy term to describe people who just get how another person is thinking or feeling in a given moment. But for now I just want to give a shout out to that broader category- sensitivity.

I haven’t had to do any guesswork around whether I am sensitive. People just tell me. And I have worked it out for myself. Mostly because I cry for other people unless I’m helping them deal with it. Because I eventually have to escape loud places. Because the news has the potential to bum me out for weeks. Because I avoid saying goodbyes. Because sometimes I just hop into bed and close my eyes, hoping for sleep, but content with an hour of zero stimulation.

But here is where it is the coolest to be sensitive.

You can feel the love in any room.

This is what makes me more productive. In a karate class I get hit with these huge waves of affection, combined with the sense of other people’s ambitions, the mental fight they are winning in that moment and the respect and love exuded for each other and our instructor. This connection through little jolts of energy help me stay energised.

 You can ‘get’ other people and respond in a way where they feel understood. That’s why people are drawn to you.

Occasionally I guide people use the stories of their past as a way of gaining a better understanding of themselves and their present. Going ‘by feel’ (which could literally mean feeling their pain in moments) helps us navigate when important insights reside. When students and clients have ‘breakthrough moments’ I understand the significance because the tears will well up a little in my eyes. It brings the world a little closer when we feel understood.

You feel connected, even when you feel alone.

I think this sums up the above. This connection gives you greater purpose. Whilst it can be overwhelming at times, for me it reminds me that we all have an important role to play in each other’s lives. We all have the power to heal each other, in a moment.

The world is a vibrant, stimulating place- where adventures and miracles are everywhere.

Sensitivity is fun. You can go outside and just be blown away by the beauty of nature, when you look at a leaf or a bug, not just a mountain. You can save lives in seconds, by reaching out to someone who seems to be a little different- energetically. You can express yourself more freely, in the understanding that the more real you are, the more you strike a chord with someone else. You see poetry everywhere. The grand contrast between light and dark that leads to a gratitude for it all.

Sensitive souls, if this is you reading this, I invite you to see your sensitivity as your strength. There are ways to take care of yourself that we can talk about further. In the meantime, share what sensitivity means to you and how it has shaped your life and your impact.

Lots of love,

Becky

You always have a choice.

To me, feeling trapped is the worst possible sensation. Its cousins, 'obligation' and 'commitment' also make me claustrophobic- and this is from a girl who loves squashing into cosy small places.

Perhaps in your life you feel like you are locked in. Like you have signed an invisible contract to people, places and routines that feel less than liberating.

I want to remind you that you always have a choice. And there is probably a darn good reason why you are choosing the life you live.

Why do I choose this?

This is a driving question that will have you feeling better or at least clearer about why you are where you are. Why do you choose this vocation over every other possibility? Frame it positively if you can.

·       I choose this HR role because I have a gift with people and love to see the impact I have on the culture of my company.

·       I choose to have my own business because working at my own pace feels healthy and natural for me.

·       I choose to work in this highly physical job because I love the outdoors and have endless energy to expel.

Hold in your consciousness that you do not need to do today what you did yesterday. So why do you do it? Money? Connections? Comfort? Challenge?

And if you are stuck for answers, maybe it’s time for a change. What else could you choose?

For a little decision making booster, think about whether being where you are facilitates you being the best version of you. Does it bring you closer to your goals? Does it make you happy? What would it mean to not choose it? Is there an alternative that energises you?

Knowing that you ultimately get to choose how you live is so empowering. If you love it then you can appreciate it. If you no longer want it, you can take steps to make a change.

For me, I choose to bite off just a little more than I can chew because everything tastes so good. I choose work with intensive ‘after hours’ because it is worth it for the immense joy I feel seeing young people learn to learn. I choose to pay for a cleaner so I can create space for music, and pay for a recording studio to make sure I get shit done. I choose my husband because of his big heart and strong character.

I know that I always have a choice.

And so do you.

Let’s choose wisely.

Love for days…

Becky