The words haunted my dreams.
That’s the problem when you think about your next blog post before bed.
And ironically, my dreams were violent, full of running, dog-eat-dog kinda stuff. The perfect juxtaposing backdrop to the words that continued to bounce from the walls of the strange rooms in my mind.
The words were:
‘Once I love you, I always will.’
Believe me, there is a point to all of this. But bear with the story for a little.
When an ex-boyfriend was coming over to visit me and my fiancé, I had an overwhelming feeling of love and affection for this person who I chose not to spend the rest of my life with. A natural reminiscing of absent friends formed a shaky carriage in my train of thought. And then to people I greet with acquaintance-like formality who I would actually die for.
Reflecting on the past used to make me uneasy.
The reality is that I have drifted away from many loved ones and put up walls, invisible to me, but imposing to potential friends. Thinking about that once made me sad. But something just shifted and all I can feel is my endless capacity for love. Surely, we must all have that? All I feel is that no unkind act, no amount of time and no words can make me ‘unlove’ someone I once loved. To me, it is impossible.
In light of this, my first point is a message to anyone who reads this who I love (-not past tense ‘loved’ or tentative ‘may have loved’- just love!)
I love you now and always.
Use that as you will. Carry it around. Forget, then remember and feel better. Get in touch and say hi. Or never feel you have to. I love you anyway.
My next thought (before the gory dreams) seemed to make perfect sense.
I thought of people who I haven’t met, and realised I love them too.
So following my logic, that I love people I cannot see and that love is constant, perhaps it means that I love you and we haven’t met. Perhaps with my endless capacity for love, the stranger nursing his coffee in front of me is literally one of the loves of my life.
Too many people, I think, carry around with them the aches of the past, all the bad news and a general disdain for ‘people’. The enormous love you have- even for just one person, is a taste of what can be multiplied again and again, in infinite amounts. In light of sad events, I choose to remember the compassion of humanity and the laughs I can share with a stranger.
I guess I am wondering if anyone else wants to choose this path too. I think many of us already have. It is a beautiful place.
Now, what the hell is up with my crazy dream? Natural resistance to my own lovely rhetoric? A purging of all negativity to make way for this consciousness of love? Maybe it is a lesson as to what happens when we don’t see the love. We fight, we fear, we judge.
A reiteration and adjustment of my original belief:
Once I love you, I always will.
If I could love you, I already do.